Wednesday, December 24, 2014

'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Adult Style


 I wish each and everyone of you all the magic of this holiday season. Much, much love to you and your family from me and mine.


As you all know, I love jokes. I couldn't resist sharing this with you. Click on the title and you will be taken to the original site where this was posted. I wish I knew who wrote this version, so I can thank them for giving me such a great reason to laugh. I hope you get as much enjoyment out of the poem as I did.

The Adult Night Before Christmas

  Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
 The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
 It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
 Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
 Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
 When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
 That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
 Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
 Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
 The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
 Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
 When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
 But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
 With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
 A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
 Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
 And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
 Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
 Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
 Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
 Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
 They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
 Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
 And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
 As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
 I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
 When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
 His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
 He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
 "That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
 "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
 He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
 Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
 I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
 The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
 Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
 But his toys were all gone,
and some new things were packed.
 The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
 The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
 A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
 And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
 A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
 And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
 A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
 And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
 "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
 So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
 He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
 With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
 He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
 Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
 In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
 Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
 The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
 "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

What happened to the year?

I'm still reeling that 2014 has about ten days left. Are you? I leave it behind a little sadder, but, hopefully wiser. I've gone through several resolutions, but haven't been able to settle on one. Mainly because I'm so terrible at them. I figure why wait until the new year? If you need to make a change, just do it.

A quick update: I have the stitches removed from my shoulder and neck this coming Tuesday. Woot! I have been asked to make an appointment with a breast specialist. The mammogram and subsequent ultrasound showed a mass and they think it's benign. I really wish they'd remove all doubt, but I'm working with that I have. Besides, I've been told cancer doesn't hurt and since I've been having pain, I take that as an encouraging sign. Due to the pain, however, I may need surgery to remove the mass. I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile, my GYN has to check abnormal ovarian cells.

As you can see, I've just been having allllll kinds of fun that has kept me from logging on.

Claire is an awesome PA, so if you need anything from me (or her), let her know. AND if I haven't sent something to anyone that I should've sent, please email me at katkelwriter@outlook.com with what I haven't mailed or emailed. We'll get it taken care of. The last few weeks have been a little tough, but nothing is smooth sailing all the time. :-)

Finally, I've been going over in my head a way to show my appreciation to y'all. Inferno will be out in a few weeks. At least I hope so. I'll know better once I gone to another round of doctors. Blah. Bleh. As soon as Crystal designs the cover and we set up a cover reveal, I will pass along more information. Misconduct (the last full novel in the Death Dwellers MC series) will be out in late April. I'm so excited to have DeLonn Donovan on its cover. We will schedule the reveal soon. Crystal has already designed an awesome cover for it.

Meanwhile...I HAVE to finish Johnnie's and Kendall's storyline. I owe it to them because they deserve their HEA. In doing so, I hope I've found a way to show my appreciation to my readers, fans, friends and family.  Misalliance should be available by Valentine's Day. It'll be a novella and I'm going to offer it FREE indefinitely. I'm not anticipating any problems with Amazon or any of the other retailers because of my decision, but I'll keep you informed.

I wish all of you peace, love and happiness and much prosperity for 2015.

Happy holidays!

Love, Kat

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

NEW RELEASE: Misguided is NOW Available

This is Mortician's and Bailey's story and the bad boys of the Death Dwellers MC are at it again. Off topic, for a moment. I'm so thrilled at a review of Misled called Pushing Past the Comfort Zone. I'm proud of as much for the review itself as it is because of the way it was described when it was referred to her: Sons Of Anarchy Meets Fifty Shades of Grey. Wow!

Back to the subject. Mortician's and Bailey's story is available at Amazon, iTunes, Smashwords, Kobo, and Barnes & Noble. Links are provided below the blurb.

  
 
A biker: Lucas “Mortician” Banks stopped believing in love after a bitter betrayal. As Club Enforcer, the Death Dwellers MC is his home, where no rules exist and brotherhood rule. He never expected to fall for the daughter of K-P Andrews, a biker from the old guard, who is now deceased. Is love enough to survive secrets, brutality, and betrayal?

A beauty: Bailey Andrews was fascinated by the biker from the first moment they met. She seized the opportunity to have his phone number and, somehow, ended up married to him when she accompanied Mortician on a run to Las Vegas. She uncovers the connection between her father and Mortician’s father and the horrible betrayals it led to within the MC. Can she leave the secrets stay buried? Or will she expose them and ruin her marriage to the only man she’ll ever love?

A bet: Smug in his assumption he’d never fall as hard for as woman as his Prez fell for a girl, Mortician put his money where his mouth was and made that bet. With 20Gs on the line and two weeks left before he wins or loses, Mortician has to decide if Bailey and their marriage is more important or saving face and keeping his money. Having only ever seen the destruction of love gone wrong, what will Mortician decide?

A baby: Now, Bailey’s pregnant with his baby and hiding another detrimental secret that she, herself, recently discovered. Will she have to choose between her life and the baby’s? Or will she find a way to save both herself and her child’s?
Warning: This is a brutal tale of worlds colliding—a mega-church with the command to destroy, powerful men with their own agendas, and raw and dirty bikers who will win at all costs.



 
 

 

Buy links:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Want to know more about our cover model?

Find Travis Lee Ferguson here:


Facebook: www.facebook.com/modeltravisleeferguson
Twitter: www.twitter.com/travislferg or @travislferg
Instagram: www.instagram.com/travislferg or @travislferg
Website: http://www.travisleeferguson.com/

Authors contact directly: bookingtravislf@gmail.com
Midwest agency: Steven (agent) smyers@thepeakagency.com

Proceeds from the sale of Travis' calendar go to the Boys & Girls Club of America http://www.bgca.org/Pages/index.aspx To purchase a calendar or for more information, click here:

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

A Message From Kat

Dear Y'all,

Happy Holidays!

Happy belated Thanksgiving.

There's so much I'm grateful for. My family. My friends. My fans.

Thank you so much for all your well-wishes, prayers, and condolences. My grandmother was the center of our family. She would've been 95 on December 30th. She'd lived a long and fruitful life and it was her time to go. Knowing that doesn't lessen the grief.

I have to apologize for not visiting with everyone in over two weeks. I haven't been able to get myself together. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check a new lump I've found in my breast.

The release of Misguided is going on as scheduled. The parties will go on, too, starting on December 5th at Not Another Damn Blog. Check with Claire Richards for all the details. I thought about delaying everything, but my grandmother took life as it came to her and always moved forward. She just walked in faith.

I ask that you have patience with me for just one more day.

Much, much love to each and every one of you.

Kat