10 Secrets You Never Knew About Me by Christopher "Outlaw" Caldwell

 

1.)My birthday is so insig-fucking-nificant to me, no motherfucker took note of it. The motherfucker came and went in silence and I refused to have my girl make a big deal over it. She has enough bullshit to deal with.

2.)I secretly love the motherfucking holidays. A new fucking year means new fucking beginnings. Time for me to do shit over.

3.)That bullshit that went down with me and fucking Snake the first fucking time made me fucking think about kids. But if Megan wasn’t there, I fucking doubt that fucking thought woulda crossed my motherfucking mind. Ain’t thought about kids ‘til I fucking laid eyes on Megan. Nothing else made me fucking want kids. It was her.

4.)I want sons and daughters but I’m scared like a motherfucker to have a little girl. I know all the shit I done to girls and I don’t want to have to kill some poor fuck because he fucked over my daughters.

5.)I tried to play some of the games Megan likes and I wanted to fuck up her iPad, especially that yellow-haired motherfucker in that ridiculous pink ass dress with that stupid fucking music chasing behind some fucked up candy. What the fuck’s the point? Ain’t to relax. Motherfucker had me strung tighter than, well, a motherfucker. And don’t get me started on those fucking oinkers. The birds need to be fucked up and the pigs need to be fucking roasted. Put every-fucking-body out their fucking misery.

6.)My favorite color is black. Represented my soul. ‘Til I met Megan. I love the fuck outta blue now.

7.)I have some favorite fucking places that I want to visit a-fucking-gain: Gettysburg, Big Ben, The Eiffel Tower, and the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, even a motherfucker like me can appreciate fucking history.

8.)Cliff diving gives me a motherfucking head rush. Just don’t fucking ask how the fuck I started some fucked up shit like cliff diving in the first fucking place. Ain’t something I care to discuss.

9.)I wanna get my GED. I hated fucking Algebra, though. Couldn’t motherfucking see how the fuck n + s = x. That’s head-fucky shit. Give me science and history and I’m fucking cool.

10.)I wanna write a book called Men Fuck Pussy & Other Fuck Facts by Outlaw.